DVD-quality lessons (including tabs/sheet music) available for immediate viewing on any device.
Take your playing to the next level with the help of a local or online flatpicked guitar teacher.
Monthly newsletter includes free lessons, favorite member content, flatpicked guitar news and more.
Premier Sponsors
|
Please note this is an archived topic, so it is locked and unable to be replied to. You may, however, start a new topic and refer to this topic with a link: http://www.flatpickerhangout.com/archive/40304
captinmorgan54 - Posted - 01/22/2015: 11:57:08
Hey folks, do you know any bad jokes? I love the corny jokes that tend to fill up time in bluegrass sets while someone is tuning or whathaveyou. What are some of your favorites?
Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
::no::
Oh, so you're the guy!
courtesy of David Grier. if i cant pick like him at least i can tell jokes as good as him!
UsuallyPickin - Posted - 01/22/2015: 17:47:42
How do you circumcise whale ??????? Well ... it takes four skin divers ............ tell me is that bad enough? R/
captinmorgan54 - Posted - 01/23/2015: 08:35:55
it's worse! haha i've never heard...er, read that one before. i've gotta try to remember that one. Bad pun? check! largely inappropriate? check!
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A real rip-off!
What's worse than two banjos? ....nothing
Jim Yates - Posted - 01/23/2015: 15:03:58
A routine from an old time recording went:
A: I bet I can ask a question and answer it too.
B: Aw that's easy...Anyone can do that.
A: Not as easy as you think...How do you dig a hole without leaving any dirt around it? The answer is you start at the bottom.
B: How do you get to the bottom?
A: That's your question. You answer it.
captinmorgan54 - Posted - 01/24/2015: 20:16:20
^love it. it reminds me of the Arkansas Traveler that Jerry Garcia and David Grisman did on Not For Kids Only. it doesnt seem to be on youtube, but basically it was the "a" section with a really bad joke at the end of it, then repeat the "a" section and another bad joke. lots of taking sayings literally and whatnot. I think my favorite is
DG: You're not far from a fool, are you?
JG: what was that?
DG: I said...you're not far from a fool, are you?
JG: well no son, there's just this guitar and mandolin here between us. bum bum bum bum badum ba bum bum doo doo daa
montanaokie - Posted - 02/02/2015: 00:52:38
We're going to play an old classic tune called "Get out of the wheat field granny, you're going against the grain!"
Here's another classic: "Run and get the hammer, there's a fly on the baby's head!"
What is fifty feet long and has two teeth? The funnel cake line at the Arkansas State Fair...
Corny enough? I've got plenty more.
Did you hear that the guy who wrote the Hokey Pokey died this week? You didn't? Well, it was one of the longest funeral services in history. Really? Yea, you put the right leg in, put the right leg out... It took forever to bury the guy!
Rim shot, please!!!
captinmorgan54 - Posted - 02/06/2015: 10:42:24
keep em comin Gary! that hokey pokey one is brilliant. i'm gonna hafta remember that one
Two fish are in a tank when one turns to the other and says "How the hell do you drive this thing!"
Jim Yates - Posted - 02/06/2015: 17:07:39
Almost every gig I did with Zeke Mazurek he'd ask:
"Did you hear about the farmer whose wife ran away with a tractor salesman?
He got a John Deere letter."
**************************************************************************************************
Zeke used to phone me long distance from Prince Edward County just to tell me a new joke he's heard. A few years after we lost Zeke to cancer, I heard one I wish I could tell him. I may have posted it on his Facebook page, since it was a good partner for his tractor joke.
The farmer and his wife had been having family problems so they decided to go to a marriage counselor. At the end of the session, the couselor talked to each of them individually.
They went home and when dinner was ready, the wife went out to the barn to get her husband and found him standing behind the John Deere with his pants down.
"What do you think you're doing?" she screamed.
"The counselor said, 'If you want to keep your wife happy, you've got to do something to a tractor*.'"
attract her*
captinmorgan54 - Posted - 02/07/2015: 07:54:55
Bwahaha! that's great Jim. Funny how jokes can be so serious at the same time as humorous...love the joke and the story behind it.
Does anyone know who the fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was?
Sir Cumference.
Two silkworms had a race. they ended up in a tie
captinmorgan54 - Posted - 02/10/2015: 11:37:22
you guys wanna hear a dirty joke?
Jimmy fell in the mud
montanaokie - Posted - 02/19/2015: 22:09:38
What did one horse say to the other horse? Why the long face...
When the bar is closing: "You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here!" "Remember, if you're driving, don't forget your keys." "It's hotel-motel time." "Remember, Motel spelled backwards is Letom."
And that's all I've got to say about that.
captinmorgan54 - Posted - 02/22/2015: 10:49:59
A ham sandwich walks into a bar, and the bartender says 'sorry, we dont serve food here'
davedone - Posted - 02/23/2015: 16:19:23
heard recently:
A duck was about to cross the road and a chicken comes running up and says
Don't do it! you'll never hear the end of it.
captinmorgan54 - Posted - 02/27/2015: 08:20:30
I dont know why, but I love just about any joke that has a duck as a character.
A duck walks into a bar with one shoe on, and the bartender says "hey duck. you lost a shoe" to which the duck replies, "No, I found one"
Jim Yates - Posted - 02/27/2015: 15:36:31
Captinmorgan54, If you're a fan of duck jokes, I'm sure you've heard this one:
A man walks into a bar and sees a one foot tall pianist playing the piano. He talks to the bartender and says, "That's amazing! Where did you find a foot tall pianist?"
The bartender replies, "Oh, I have a genie in a bottle in the back room who grants wishes. Give it a try if you want."
The man rubs the bottle and says, "Oh genie, I wish I had a 100 million bucks." The genie nods his head and a few seconds later there's a puff of smoke and 100 million ducks fill the bar and the sidewalk in front of the bar as far as anyone can see.
The man goes back to the bartender and complains, "I wished for 100 million bucks, not 100 million ducks!"
And the bartender says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
captinmorgan54 - Posted - 02/28/2015: 10:17:38
Haha I dont think I have Jim, I dont think I have. That's great though, I've gotta remember that one
Ya know,I saw the Dalai Lama when I was passing through NYC the other week. He was at a hot dog stand placing his order. He asked the vendor to make him One with Everything
captinmorgan54 - Posted - 03/09/2015: 10:19:55
"Union regulations require us to ask ya how your doin tonight...so How Ya doin tonight!?
Jim Yates - Posted - 03/22/2015: 00:40:53
Whenever we had an awkward moment on stage, Zeke would turn to the audience and say, "Let us know if we're gettin' too slick and professional for yah Folks."
Edited by - Jim Yates on 03/22/2015 00:41:29
captinmorgan54 - Posted - 04/02/2015: 16:30:08
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
Folks from Dubai dont watch the Flintstones but folks from Abu Dhabi do!
captinmorgan54 - Posted - 04/05/2015: 08:39:46
How did the turtle cross the Parkway?
well, you take the P out of park, and the F out of way
captinmorgan54 - Posted - 05/23/2015: 08:17:34
Do y'all know the difference between a new york city bus terminal and a lobster with tits?
one is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean!
Jim Yates - Posted - 06/30/2015: 20:18:33
quote:
Originally posted by captinmorgan54
How did the turtle cross the Parkway?
well, you take the P out of park, and the F out of way
Morgan - There's no F in way. Right?
davedone - Posted - 07/01/2015: 16:40:08
So this young feller was sitting at the bar all morning drinking beer after beer. After a few hours the barkeep noticed he never went to the restroom. When the night bartender came on the day guy mentioned that the young feller never left the stool and is still drinking em down. The night barkeep just kept setting em up and watching.
Finally after last call the patron drained his last draft and stood up, turns to the back door and started out to the alley.
The barkeep followed him out and sure enough the fellow starts to fumble with his zipper.
The barkeep says Hey! you cant pee here!
The young feller says "I know, I'm gonna pee waaaay over there"
cottontop - Posted - 09/04/2015: 22:49:02
The great legendary singer/song writer Gordon Lightfoot is from Canada. A few years ago, when Canada switched over to the metric system, they started calling him, Gordon Lightmeter.
cottontop
Jim Yates - Posted - 09/09/2015: 12:38:55
Speaking of the metric system, a couple of Cobourg singer/songwriters, Paul Caldwell and Brad Halls rewrote Five Foot Two when Canada adopted the metric system.
She's a centimetre shorter than a metre and a quarter,
And ev'ry millimetre is in perfect working order,
Has anybody seen my gal?
I know I'm only human but I still have the acumen
To know her eyes are flashing 'bout a half a million lumen,
Has anybody seen my gal?
A pair of gorgeous gams on her fifty kilograms
When she twirls her skirts.
My chest just thumps and my heart rate jumps
About a hundred kilohertz!
But Fahrengrade or Centiheit,
She's gonna light my fire tonight,
Has anybody seen my gal?
captinmorgan54 - Posted - 10/22/2015: 11:21:20
quote:
Originally posted by cottontop
The great legendary singer/song writer Gordon Lightfoot is from Canada. A few years ago, when Canada switched over to the metric system, they started calling him, Gordon Lightmeter.
cottontop
ha! told this one to a buddy's mom, who's a lightfoot fan. it was a hit!
captinmorgan54 - Posted - 11/30/2015: 17:29:39
Ha! What movie is that from?
Ya know, last year my hot lesbian neighbors got me a wristwatch for my birthday...I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch
captinmorgan54 - Posted - 11/30/2015: 18:00:49
I'm, it says in the comments. Didnt know they did a prarie home movie
CedarBranchPicker - Posted - 12/12/2015: 17:01:00
why did the chicken cross the road? To show the possum it could be done.
wannabedoc - Posted - 02/25/2016: 19:11:47
I bought my shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
captinmorgan54 - Posted - 02/27/2016: 08:55:54
do you know why you never see hippopotamus hiding in trees?
cause theyre really f'n good at it
captinmorgan54 - Posted - 03/22/2016: 17:01:30
I'm addicted to brake fluid, but i can stop anytime i want
Jim Yates - Posted - 03/22/2016: 22:10:28
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
crookvile - Posted - 03/28/2016: 05:05:21
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
More here: thoughtcatalog
Edited by - crookvile on 03/28/2016 05:06:02
captinmorgan54 - Posted - 05/25/2016: 09:46:29
quote:
Originally posted by Jim Yates
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
ha! definately stole this one and stumbled my way through it a coupla times by now. here's one i heard the other day
A Dad is checking his family into the Hotel for their vacation, and the person checking him in goes over all of the hotel's amenities.
When the hotel employee finishes, the Dad says "I assume the porn on the tv is disabled?"
Hotel employee says "No, its just normal porn you sick ****"
crookvile - Posted - 08/24/2016: 19:44:39
Q: What do you call a guitar that never finishes a job?
A: a quitar
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".
Q: What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
A: Would you like fries with that?
Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.
Q: What do you call a female police officer who plays guitar?
A: SHE RIFF
Tony O Rourke - Posted - 11/13/2016: 19:28:44
I was touring with a band a while back and whilst "on the road" we went to a restaurant not realising at the time that the family who ran the restaurant were in fact a family of cannibals. The food was terrible but it was only $10 a head.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Privacy Consent (EU/GDPR Only)
Copyright 2026 Flatpicker Hangout. All Rights Reserved.
